a letter to my zoers

zoe,

i'm writing you this letter three weeks after losing you. I'm writing this more for me than for you because you knew all the special things we shared, of this i'm certain. you knew my unending love for you up until your last day. seven and a half years ago, i remember knowing instantly that i wanted you. i will never forget looking through the glass window of your humane society room: your dark expressive eyes, that one floppy ear and most of all your BIG smile showing all your teeth. it was soooo goofy and cute! i knew i wanted you, but you chose me that day, too. boy, i had no idea how much joy you would bring to my life. i felt like i was rescuing you, like i was saving you. little did i know how you would be the one saving me. you saved me from loneliness, you saved me from feeling sad or from a boring evening or saturday afternoon, and at times you saved me from having no one to tell my deepest secrets and fears too. you loved me unconditionally. you grew to trust me in a very short time from leaving the shelter. even though the behaviorist said you would never be a dog who liked to be hugged, you gladly received my hugs and squeezes. you not only tolerated them, you liked them :)

there are so many good times with you to speak of, i find it hard to sum it up. some of my favorite times with you and memories are: coming home every single day to your smiling sneezes as soon as i opened the door, you running and pulling me on my skateboard along Mission Bay and then laying in the grass watching people and the water, watching you spot something (bunny, squirrel, cat, etc) from a mile away and go into stealth mode to try to sneak up on it (it never worked, sorry sissy), rolling around on the grass as happy as could be, as soon as we moved to Grim and you got a yard...you turned into a queen! laying on the porch keeping watch on the neighborhood and any dogs that had the nerve to walk by, you sprinting diagonally across the street to your dog cousins house, watching you run at the beach but steering clear of the ocean-you were NOT a fan! teaching you to use a doggie door with enticing treats, watching you at the dog park randomly choosing to play like crazy with one dog and ignoring the rest, hiking with you up in Oregon and your daddy having to carry you across streams because you wouldn't cross, watching you fall asleep sitting up when you were really tired, being an amazing silent begger (not annoying but intense!), you would do anything for a cheezit, they were your fave, intimidating the chickens at nana's house and constantly "checking them" by doing your laps around the yard, sleeping in bed with us every night...snuggling us for a minute or two and then turning around and giving us your booty, rubbing your face along the end of our bed every single morning, then turning around and rubbing the other side going the other way, always loving an adventure being ready to roll whenever, and loving riding in the car...even if it was just to the store and back! you rode shotgun for a long time, until you both rode in the back when we got your brother, buddy. you were so mad at us for bringing him home, but grew to LOVE him quickly. you guys were the best of buds and he misses you greatly, too. you L.O.V.E.D. your babies (any soft stuffed animal) and any time your daddy and i see a grab machine of stuffed animals we will think of you. (we would always stop, put in money, and woudn't quit until we brought you home a new baby...and you SO appreciated our efforts :)

you had such a strong and beautiful spirit, my girl. you had a presence about you that was so comforting and loving. you were an independent girl with just the right amount of 'i need my humans and i want them close.' i didn't take you for granted not for one minute. i have no regrets for our time together, although it just wasn't long enough, dangit. you became a bigger sister when we brought Jacob home. I don't think you were super comfortable with him, as you were over 12 years old and moving slower, but you were gentle with him. you would lay near him like you wanted to protect him. even though he won't remember you, i have pictures and video and i will tell him all about his first doggie.

i don't know how to end this letter, because i don't want to say goodbye. losing you that day was easily the worst day of my life. i continue to feel like a big piece of me is missing and i know i will always miss you. i will always love you. i cry tears of sadness for me because i miss you like crazy, but i am so glad you aren't in pain anymore. thank you for choosing your right time to let go, as i couldn't bear the thought of deciding it was time to let you go.

"dogs possess the best traits of human nature. they have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets." -chinese year of the dog

"what we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." -helen keller

zoe, your beautiful gentle spirit and amazing sneezy smile is missed so greatly. i look forward to the day when the tears are replaced with only joyful memories. thank you for being you and enriching my life beyond measure. you will always be a part of me. i love you, my sweet sissy girl.

xxxooo,
your mama